


permafrost

by baeconandeggs, suhologist (avisdreams)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Romance, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:15:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24633685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baeconandeggs/pseuds/baeconandeggs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/avisdreams/pseuds/suhologist
Summary: Chanyeol can’t remember a time in his life where Baekhyun wasn’t a part of it. Lately, Chanyeol is terrified of Baekhyun wanting to leave it.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 19
Kudos: 230
Collections: BAE2020





	permafrost

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt:** BAE1229  
>  **Disclaimer: baeconandeggs/the mods is/are not the author/s of this story. Authors will be credited and tagged after reveals.** The celebrities' names/images are merely borrowed and do not represent who the celebrities are in real life. No offense is intended towards them, their families or friends. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this fictional work. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> **Author's Note:** thank you to the mods for the unending patience and encouraging me to finish when it felt like it wasn’t going to happen. this was a fic i thought of years ago in 2015 and had only partially written. i found a prompt that matched the emotions i was going for and also gave me some freedom, so thank you to the prompter! while it’s not as long as i originally wanted it to be i hope everyone enjoys it for what it is~ thank you ♡

Chanyeol remembers being seven years old, weeping over the Baekhyun leaving him behind while he went on a family vacation. His mother comforting him, telling him it was a thing just for their family, the same way the they always go away for a week once a year during the summer. But Chanyeol was devastated, feeling abandoned and left behind while his best friend got to go and do things without him.

And as they got older the feeling never really left Chanyeol. Always wanting to follow and be wherever Baekhyun was.

They were stuck together since they were practically living next door. Their mothers were friends growing up, and raised their children on the same street. It was perfect, ideal.

~

They’re in high school the first time Chanyeol and Baekhyun kiss. It’s because Baekhyun is curious and Chanyeol, he comes to realize later in the future, is a glutton for punishment.

The curiosity stems from Jongdae, smug Jongdae who won’t shut up about how kissing that girl from homeroom after school was pretty much the coolest thing ever. A couple of days later when Baekhyun asks Chanyeol is he wants to go to the library after school he doesn’t question it; if Baekhyun wants to hangout Chanyeol is eager to comply.

Baekhyun corners Chanyeol in the non-fiction section of the library and confesses that he’s scared at being bad at kissing. 

“Can I kiss you?” Baekhyun asks.

Chanyeol drops the book, it lands with a loud thud on the carpeted floors of the library. 

“What?” Chanyeol’s mind is spinning, working in overdrive trying to compute what Baekhyun asked. Bold and brash Baekhyun asking for so much.

“Can I kiss you?” he asks again, slower.

“But — why?” Chanyeol splutters out, picking up the book and placing it on the closest shelf. He takes his time, not wanting to really look at Baekhyun while he explains himself because — what?

“So when we have girlfriends we won’t be bad at kissing.” Baekhyun replies nonchalantly, like it’s the simplest thing in the world. Like he’s reciting the weather for the next three days. But while Chanyeol balks at him for his own response he catalogs the way Baekhyun chews on the corner of his lip.

“But I don’t want a girlfriend?” Chanyeol lets slip, confused and unable to hold his tongue.

Chanyeol… He never thought about kissing girls, not really. Jongdae talking about it only made Chanyeol slightly curious, but not curious enough to ask his best friend to practice.

“I don’t either, but in the future, idiot.”

Eventually, Chanyeol concedes, because while he isn’t interested in kissing girls, he can’t find a problem with kissing Baekhyun. He trusts Baekhyun, they’ve known each other their whole lives and do so many thing together, and Chanyeol… well he’s always liked doing most things with Baekhyun so what difference is a kiss going to make.

He follows Baekhyun out of the library to the side of the building where it's hidden from the parking lot against the trees of the neighborhood park. Out of sight from anyone else. 

Baekhyun is only slightly shorter than Chanyeol, so it doesn’t take more than the smallest tilt of his head to align their mouths. It’s awkward and tense, Chanyeol closes his eyes out of embarrassment after seeing how Baekhyun’s eyes crossed, just before Baekhyun lands a hard bump against Chanyeol’s lips. It only lasts a moment, but Chanyeol wasn’t exactly prepared and his lips are still pursed when Baekhyun leans away, eyes open wide.

Baekhyun’s eyebrows are furrowed, Chanyeol thinks he looks stupid while he’s lost in thought. There’s a phantom pressure of when Baekhyun kissed him (was that really a kiss?), a little dull from the force. “Interesting,” Baekhyun mumbles, looking behind Chanyeol, though what he sees in the trees behind him is a mystery to Chanyeol. “Again?” Baekhyun asks, determination etched across his features. 

Chanyeol just nods, dumbly. 

Baekhyun bites his top lip before moving in on Chanyeol again, but he’s ready for it this time. When their lips meet for a second attempt it’s much softer than the first and Chanyeol notices how Baekhyun’s bottom lip feels dry on his own.

When Baekhyun parts their lips again, only to quizzically look at Chanyeol before going in for another kiss, Chanyeol decidedly comes to the conclusion that he likes kissing. More specifically that he might just like kissing Baekhyun.

*

When they’re seniors in high school Hyeran approaches Chanyeol while he’s helping set the band room for the orchestra to practice tomorrow. The one thing Chanyeol always notices about Hyeran is her sleek black hair that reaches past her shoulders near her waist since he’s always in the back on percussion. She’s cute, and really good at playing oboe.

“Hey Chanyeol,” she says, tossing her dark hair over her shoulder. She’s even cuter head on, Chanyeol notes. Noticeably, conventionally. It’s hard to deny.

Chanyeol moves the line of snare drums against the wall, brushing his hands on his jeans. “Sup, Hyeran?” 

“Nothing really,” she does a poor job of feigning disinterest but, again, it’s kind of cute to Chanyeol. In a distant, abstract sort of way. He knows what he’s _supposed_ to think of girls, of girls like Hyeran, and finds that it falls flat beyond aesthetic appreciation. “My parents are going to visit my older sister this weekend. I’m gonna have a party or something. You should come.”

“Sweet! That’ll be cool,” he grabs his phone from his pocket and unlocks it before giving it to her, “put in your number and let me know when exactly."

She types away, eagerly adding her contact information, “I will! It’ll be fun.” She hands him is phone and he sends her a quick text, _loey_

"Definitely bring Baekhyun,” she says, her phone beeps with an incoming message he assumes is from him, “and Jongdae, too.” she adds.

When Chanyeol brings up Hyeran’s party later Jongdae is indifferent about going, but Baekhyun’s eyes are sparkling.

“You got us invited to Hyeran’s house for a party?” he yells when Chanyeol tells them at the end of the school day outside of his locker. “She’s like, filthy rich. Her house is huge!”

“And we’re all invited,” Chanyeol points out, and he's just as excited as Baekhyun, but trying to be as aloof as Jongdae about it. As aloof as one can be when they’ve been invited to Hyeran’s rich person house. 

“Although I’m not sure you did much besides be in band with her…” Jongdae trails off. Chanyeol gives him a light elbow to the ribs. He’s not the one fawning over the invite, he’s not the one who needs to be brought down a couple pegs.

“It doesn’t matter. She’s so pretty,” Baekhyun leans his back against the line of lockers, wistfully glancing up. Chanyeol’s throat suddenly feels very dry. He chalks it up to the weather, it’s spring and allergies have been affecting everyone, but the thought of Baekhyun also finding Hyeran pretty is kind of off-putting. It’s ok for them both to find her attractive without it being weird, right? But Baekhyun… he gets the feeling Baekhyun finds her pretty in a different way, not the same way as Chanyeol probably does, which leaves a sinking sallow feeling.

When they arrive at Hyeran’s on Friday, they’re all surprised at how much larger the house is than they expected. Chanyeol knocks, and she opens the door wearing a sweater that shows off her shoulders and collar bones, her pin straight hair shines from the light on the patio outside the door. She looks pretty, more pretty than cute. That’s the only way Chanyeol can describe it. 

She smiles at Chanyeol, “Cool, you guys came!” she says, opening the door to let them in and instructs them to leave their shoes with the pile of everyone else’s. Just based off the shoes there’s probably ten other people already here. She tells them to go on to the basement, where Chanyeol can hear other people animatedly yelling and loud pop music.

“Baekhyun, can you help me bring snacks downstairs?” she asks, already heading towards her kitchen without waiting for a response. Baekhyun’s eyebrows raise, and lips purse in shock as he follows her.

Jongdae shrugs in his own response and moves to go downstairs. Chanyeol follows him down the stairs, the music growing louder and the voices becoming clearer, slightly dejected with a nagging thought of _’it makes sense, doesn’t it?’_

It does, and it surprises Chanyeol how much is stings.

*

Baekhyun starts dating Hyeran and it’s the first time Chanyeol experiences unbridled jealousy towards someone he's so close to. He didn’t really think he liked Hyeran, just thought that she was cute with the way she always covered her mouth when she laughed, and how serious she was about playing the oboe and music in general.

But they way that Baekhyun acted around her, and when he talked about her causes Chanyeol’s chest to expand in a way that hurt to breathe and hurt his head. Seeing his best friend dating someone he is only realizing he likes now is a constant sort of ache that won’t go away.

He’s complaining to Jongdae one day eating fast food in Chanyeol’s car while Baekhyun and Hyeran are at the movies. Complaining about how frustrating it is that Baekhyun is so lovey towards Hyeran when Jongdae looks at him incredulously, a fry between his thumb and forefinger.

“Chanyeol,” he starts, and Chanyeol listens because Jongdae does not start a conversation with a heavy toned ‘Chanyeol,’ if it isn’t important, "you know you’re making it sound like you’re jealous because Baekhyun is dating Hyeran and not you, right?”

Chanyeol drops his jr deluxe burger right into his lap. Jongdae laughs, like it’s supposed to be a joke. Chanyeol realizes it _is_ a joke, just a really shitty one. With a full mouth he groans and glares in Jongdae’s direction.

And so Chanyeol is a senior in high school when he realizes he has a crush on his friend.

Not Hyeran. Baekhyun.

Following the repercussions that come with acknowledging your possibly more than platonic feelings towards your best friend, who’s a dude in a relationship with a girl, is a lonely process for Chanyeol. He accepts it quickly, internally, but as he drives Jongdae home he is adamant that is not why he’s jealous, and he doesn’t have a crush on Baekhyun or Hyeran it’s, “Just different not doing everything together,” he reasons, and Jongdae can’t help but hum in agreement.

*

Chanyeol is in his first year of university when he comes to terms that he’s probably at least half in love with Baekhyun.

He's getting a food with Jongdae on a short visit home, Baekhyun and Hyeran doing their own thing, when Chanyeol partially-confesses after being confronted by Jongdae, lacing his concerns heavily to Chanyeol.

“I can’t believe you have a crush on Baekhyun,” he says, and quietly huffs a laugh following it. Chanyeol can’t fully confess, because admitting out loud that he was sort-of in love with his best friend to his other best friend seemed straight out of one of those mangas his sister owned and that he would borrow and read too, like a guilty pleasure.

“I didn’t ask for this,” Chanyeol replies, pushing rice back and forth across his plate, unable to look Jongdae in the eye.

“No, but it’s a little weird. Knowing one of my best friends, a guy, has a crush on my other best friend, also a guy, who is dating someone else, a girl.”

“I didn’t realize me liking guys was weird.” Chanyeol’s defenses raise, justifiably he thinks. Jongdae’s jaw drops before he rolls his eyes at Chanyeol.

“It isn’t, and you know I don’t think it’s a little weird because you have a crush on a guy.” And, yeah. Fair. Jongdae gives Chanyeol a light kick under the table. Chanyeol didn’t need to jump to that conclusion. He nods in acknowledgement of Jongdae. 

“Oh… Thanks.”

“But Baekhyun, really?” and he’s teasing, but there’s truth to it. _Our best friend, of all boys?_

“I didn’t ask for it,” Chanyeol echoes the statement from earlier. “It’s stupid. It’ll go away eventually.”

“Is it, like,” Jongdae waves off, not looking at Chanyeol, and Chanyeol doesn’t look at him either, both deciding to just look out towards nothing, “only dudes?”

“I don’t think so?” Chanyeol thinks about how pretty he finds girls, when he thought he liked Hyeran, but he never really liked Hyeran did he? “Maybe.”

Jongdae hums thoughtfully, picks up his drink and takes a long sip.

*

Chanyeol is halfway through his second year of university when he starts dating Junmyeon. They met through one of those dating apps that Chanyeol impulsively downloaded and used sporadically, more as a mood lifter than a real attempt at finding someone to date. Junmyeon is working on his Masters in Museums & Digital Culture, which Chanyeol thinks is just a fun way to say he’s getting a fancy art degree.

He’s… sweet and beautiful and perfect. Lovely Junmyeon. Too perfect for Chanyeol.

Chanyeol is just starting his third year of university and only feels partially blinded sided when he’s dumped, Junmyeon’s tiny stubby fingers still playing with his own. Chanyeol balls his hands into fists, they aren’t allowed to be doing that anymore.

“It feels like there’s so much you’re still hiding from me,” Junmyeon explains, a pout on his lips. “I’m sorry, Chanyeollie. Maybe in another universe.” 

Chanyeol can only nod his head dumbly. Junmyeon’s trying to be sweet, trying to be funny while he breaks up with Chanyeol and Chanyeol… doesn’t even wanna try and save it. Their relationship is over, what else is there to save? Junmyeon sighs. 

“I hope things get better, Chanyeol. And that you reach for the things you actually want.” 

It’s only three weeks later when Jongdae sends him a text asking if he knew that Baekhyun and Hyeran broke up. Chanyeol chokes at the news; no he didn’t know this. There’s a shiver that runs up his spine and he's out of his depth when he realizes he’s _relieved_ that they broke up.

Guilt. A strange kind of guilt bubbles inside of him, because he’s annoyed Baekhyun didn’t want to share this with his friends, but a weight that he didn’t realize was sitting on his chest lifts. Confused, he’s so confused.

When he finally talks to Baekhyun about it he can hear how nonplussed he is; it was mutual, he isn’t upset. 

“Chanyeollie,” Baekhyun whines into the phone, “I just didn’t want to talk about it, and Jongdae only found out because he asked about her and I couldn’t lie.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Chanyeol asks, quietly but sincerely. Nothing ever seems to phase Baekhyun, but they were dating for over two years. Surely Baekhyun needs more from him, from a friend. Chanyeol yearns to comfort a friend who’s adamant he doesn’t need it.

The weight is gone from his chest, but he’s sinking and sinking. It’s a terrible feeling, realizing his feelings never truly went away. That in the end it always comes back to Baekhyun.

*

Chanyeol is a recent graduate with a degree in sound engineering and a job lined up for him working as an admin for a radio station.

Tonight the bass is booming throughout the Kim’s basement and Chanyeol, with his slight height advantage, can see most of the people in attendance and spots Jongdae by the entertainment system probably playing with the playlist so he doesn’t have to come back later. 

He chalks his cue stick before leaning down for the best angle to get his final ball in. Minseok is on his team and he’s not worried about winning, they basically already have, but what’s any game if Chanyeol doesn’t do the Most in his attempt to prove that he’s better than them, that he’s practiced at this more than they have. Small victories.

He’s focused, but hardly paying attention when he lands a trick shot and sinks their last ball and the 8-ball in succession. Minseok claps him on the back and Chanyeol let’s out a long, deep yell in victory; accepts the celebratory glass of beer and finishes it in one chug.

Chanyeol's never really liked drinking. It messed up his mind too much, he tries to be the fun and happy kind of drunk, but that’s not always the case. Lately, instead, he’s been more morose. But he knows his own limits and finds himself comfortable enough here at Jongdae’s that he drinks without fearing he’ll fall into a bad space. 

Just then, Baekhyun makes himself heard as flits around from little group to little group, entertaining loudly. Always the mood maker. At Baekhyun’s screechy laugh Chanyeol’s heart skips a beat, Chanyeol blames it on the loud bass.

With Baekhyun it’s hard to tell how much he's been drinking and if he’s just being silly or if he’s drunk. It’s been a while since they’ve been able to hang out, especially like this. He follows Chanyeol around for a bit, teasing his gargoyle stance against the wall and dares him to do something silly like cartwheel into the pool.

Chanyeol refuses cartwheeling into the pool, it’s not late enough, but he does prove that he can walk on his hands now, much to the gleeful delight of everyone around them. Baekhyun tries and can’t even maintain a handstand long enough to try moving forward. Irene insists Baekhyun does it again so she can take a video, and Baekhyun whines into Chanyeol’s arm, and Chanyeol feels the current of his feelings for Baekhyun pull him back under while Chanyeol just stands there and lets it happen. 

Being goofy with Baekhyun in Jongdae’s basement while a mixture of top 40 hits and underground bops play is a strange way to feel like he’s home, but he does. This is what’s most familiar to Chanyeol. 

Jongdae comes and checks in on them, being the gracious host that he’s always been. Hovering around the basement and outside patio and making sure the chips bowls are always full. He’s currently starting a fire outside with the help of the one of his coworkers he’s been flirting with. Baekhyun unlatches from Chanyeol’s arm, a phantom reminder, and continues to be what everyone expects him to be.

Chanyeol is busy navigating between people and his feelings for Baekhyun. Baekhyun is being cute, and continually makes eye contact with Chanyeol, and smiles at him while he engages in the current circle he’s in.

Then he's back, once again hanging off of Chanyeol’s arm, bodies molded together as they sit on the couch. And each second they’re touching is another spike in Chanyeol’s heart. His chest is blooming and he’s so so warm, but also so so so confused. Chanyeol feels like he’s drowning in his own feelings and he looks over the crowd of people, looking for someone to throw him a life vest. Baekhyun’s hand tight on his knee, gripping every few seconds. Possessive. 

Chanyeol spots Jongdae from the other side of the room, eyes wide and mouth open in a small ‘oh’ of surprise. So Chanyeol isn’t the only one acutely aware of Baekhyun’s actions, good. 

“Let me up,” he announces quietly to Baekhyun, “I’ll be right back, I’m going to the bathroom.” 

He pushes himself off of the couch and goes through the kitchen to the bathroom. He splashes his face with cold water and tries to calm himself down. Baekhyun’s always been more of a physical person than a words person, this is normal. Is it normal? Baekhyun being possessive?

Chanyeol is sure he’s reading into it, but Jongdae noticed too. The boom from the bass can be heard from below and it’s fast, dull, and he feels the beat of his own heart out of time, slower but still fast, on the off-beats and in-between and everywhere. 

He’s never been able to get Junmyeon’s voice from months ago out of his head,

_Reach for the things you actually want_

And Chanyeol burrows the doubt and the anxiety and the fear, and he decides he will at least take a risk. Baekhyun has been so clingy, so needy, that Chanyeol isn’t sure it's much of a risk anymore.

He turns off the tap, dries his hands, and when he opens the door Baekhyun is turning the corner, and nearly walks into Chanyeol.

“You said you’d be right back.” Baekhyun looks up, chews on the corner of his bottom lip.

“Did I lie?” Chanyeol makes sure that the teasing in his voice is clear. “I was just getting myself together.” Baekhyun smirks back before grabbing Chanyeol’s hand, just his thumb really, before turning around and heading right back in the direction they came from, Chanyeol’s insides sloshing as he is lead through the halls of Jongdae’s childhood home.

 _Reach for the things you actually want,_ and he’s always wanted Baekhyun. Deep down it’s always been Baekhyun. Chanyeol braces himself, plants his feet and pulls Baekhyun back. “Wait,” he says, trying to make himself sound sure.

Baekhyun’s eyes are playful until he sees what Chanyeol assumes are his own eyes big and bulging and nervous. There’s concern, curiosity. “What?” and he chews on the corner of his lower lip again and Baekhyun is still grasping on onto to Chanyeol’s thumb, and Chanyeol maneuvers their hands around, holds onto Baekhyun’s, because Chanyeol is the one who needs strength.

“I just—,” he starts, suddenly any words that came to him are gone, and he’s struggling to make a coherent thought let alone a coherent sentence. Just _what? _The only desire and thought that can worm its way out:__

__“Can I kiss you?”_ _

__Baekhyun stares. Stares and stares and it can only be a second, two, three at the most but then Baekhyun’s curious glance shifts, and it’s not the glee or cheeky smirk Chanyeol envisioned._ _

__It transitions into a smile, a sad sort of smile and Baekhyun pulls his hand away and out of Chanyeol’s grip and Chanyeol is no longer being held afloat but sinking deep and fast._ _

__“No,” Baekhyun tells him, “no it’s not like that…”_ _

__Like that? Like… what._ _

__Chanyeol can’t process that though. He’s mortified, embarrassed, so fucking _humiliated_ that he read everything so wrong._ _

__“Right, right,” Chanyeol tries to laugh it off, but it comes out more like a cough. “Ridiculous.”_ _

__And he moves past Baekhyun though it’s so hard to move, his feet dragging through wet sand. But before he knows it he’s in the backyard and it’s quieter. It’s quieter and Chanyeol is an absolute moron. His stomach is reeling even though he isn’t drunk, besides the one beer from earlier he hasn’t even drank anything else. But he feels nauseous, head spinning and dizzy. There’s a burning in his throat and the only thing he hears is the slamming and pounding of his own heart is his chest._ _

__“Chanyeol?” Someone says. But Chanyeol’s brain is muddled. “Chanyeol,” they repeat, and it comes through louder. Jongdae, it’s Jongdae._ _

__“I think I’m gonna be sick,” Chanyeol says under his breath._ _

__“Oh fuck,” Jongdae groans under his breath, “fuck, fuck— over there!” Jongdae ushers Chanyeol towards the bushes on the side of the house, just in time for Chanyeol to heave._ _

__“Oh, gross,” Jongdae whines. “Dude I didn’t think you were drinking that much.”_ _

__With a final spit to the roots of the bush Chanyeol wipes the corners of his mouth, his nose, his eyes teary from whatever his body just went through. He feels better, but the only thing that’s gone is the nausea. His heart still feels like its running a marathon, he’s still dizzy. “I didn’t drink that much I… I think I ruined everything.”_ _

____

*

Chanyeol moves into a shared apartment with Sehun. Living with Sehun is good. It’s fine. Great really. It’s only been two months, eight weeks, but he keeps to himself, keeps his messes in his room, which qualifies to Chanyeol as a pretty decent roommate. Sometimes they even get take out together and eat it while watching trashy but emotionally investing reality television. A win-win by Chanyeol’s perspective.

He sends Baekhyun a text, a single one, an apology for crossing a line. But there’s no reply and it eats Chanyeol up inside because he doesn’t understand why Baekhyun won’t even respond for the sake of their friendship. Chanyeol wants to keep texting him in the hope that if he pushes his buttons enough he’ll be bound to say something. But he doesn’t, knows he can’t. Knows he won’t respond to those texts anyway. 

Baekhyun never explicitly told him he didn’t want to talk, but Chanyeol knows how to take a hint.

He initially barrages Jongdae constantly after explaining what happened. He asks about Baekhyun in small ways while trying to seem nonchalant. But Chanyeol has known Jongdae nearly as long as he’s known Baekhyun, and Jongdae reads through him easily. “Baekhyun hasn’t brought it up, and I asked once and he refused to talk about it. I don’t know what else to do, Chanyeol.” So he does the only thing he can:

He leaves Baekhyun alone.

That isn’t to say he doesn’t think about Baekhyun every day, multiple times a day. It’s usually small things; like if he’s having a good day, wanting to laugh about something his sister sent him, if he’s planning on buying a new expansion pack for one of his games. 

At night it’s the big things; if he’ll ever reach out to Chanyeol again, if he was concerned about always being friends why is he ignoring him now. He replays their conversations over and over in his head, how he should’ve never expressed himself, the one time he expresses himself and a shows a layer that is the well of his emotions and feelings for Baekhyun and it backfires on him completely. And he can’t believe he didn’t think of a scenario where Baekhyun isn’t answering him or talking to him anymore. 

_Just really naive of you, Chanyeol, to think —_

“I’m going out,” Sehun shrugs a dark denim jacket on, pulling Chanyeol out of his thoughts. He grabs his keys from the entry way, “Bye-bye~” he sing songs before leaving and closing the door behind him. Chanyeol is sitting on the couch, arms wrapped around his legs, blanket wrapped around his whole body. He hasn’t been paying attention to whatever has been happening on whatever episode of whatever show he’s watching, and so he starts it over before he can seclude himself in his thoughts again.

But why is he so adamant about not… not wanting to even talk? Chanyeol never knows what to say, and the one time he thinks he’s ready to give it a shot the other person disappears and refuses to acknowledge his messages. Typical.

Chanyeol wraps his arms even tighter around himself, maybe if he holds himself together physically it’ll stop everything else from falling apart.

He falls asleep, Chanyeol doesn’t remember how quickly or when it happened but he did. And he’s woken up by his phone vibrating on the hard surface of the table before he hears the ringtone. He stares at the caller id and it doesn’t make sense. But he answers with his eyes closed, like this isn’t an elaborate joke.

“Hello?”

“Chanyeol,” it’s Baekhyun, an edge of shock and relief in his voice that Chanyeol can’t make sense of. “I can’t believe you actually answered.” Baekhyun’s voice is solid and strong, but there’s the sound of the busy city behind him, and Chanyeol still struggles to make sure he hears every single word.

“I can’t believe I answered either.” Chanyeol replies, lowly.

“I was a jerk,” Baekhyun replies. That immediately wakes Chanyeol up. 

“No, it’s okay!” He feels a tug behind his navel, he can’t let himself _want_ anymore.

“Were you sleeping?” Baekhyun asks. Chanyeol opens one eye to look at the time, fuzzy from unfocused eyes, reading 4:43pm. 

“Napping, Baekhyunnie,” there’s a pause after the embellishment on Baekhyun’s name. Chanyeol sighs and tries to focus to get the sleep out of his voice, “Is everything okay?” he asks, nervous that Baekhyun is calling because he’s in trouble. Suddenly Chanyeol doesn’t feel as tired. But he can hear the cars outside his own home as well as through the phone, wherever Baekhyun is.

“Do you want to go on a trip?”

It only takes Chanyeol fifteen minutes to wash his face and get ready. He doesn’t even bother washing his hair, and the entire time he just replays bits of their conversation over in his head.

_“I just want to go somewhere.”_

_“Where?”_

_“The beach.”_

He gets halfway down the flight of stairs before he remembers he left his wallet and he has to backtrack. 

_“I just want to go and do something before I move away.”_

_“Okay.”_

_“You’ll go to the beach with me?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Right now?”_

_“Let me get ready.”_

He meets Baekhyun at the stop closest to their parents homes. Baekhyun is sitting across the street at the bus stop, looking down at his feet, and Chanyeol is reminded of a small child in time out, or maybe a lost puppy. He’s quiet walking across the street and approaching Baekhyun but calls out right before he reaches him.

“Hey!”

And with that Baekhyun raises his head and beams at Chanyeol. His eyes are a little puffy, Chanyeol notices his eyeliner is old and smudged, and when Baekhyun stands up Chanyeol wraps an arm around his shoulders and starts walking away from his house, out of their neighborhood, out of whatever Baekhyun needs to get out of. Because Baekhyun called because he needed him. Chanyeol doesn’t know why, just that it’s true. 

But then Baekhyun makes them turn left instead of right, back closer towards his and Jongdae’s homes.

“How are we getting there?”

“My brother is away. I’ve been borrowing his car.” Baekhyun is looking at his feet while he’s walking. The sky is still gray and cloudy, and Chanyeol notices that Baekhyun is keeping his head down, keeping something to himself, but Chanyeol doesn’t know what or why, and doesn’t know how to ask.  
Baekhyun drives and plays music loud enough that it doesn’t open a door for conversation. Baekhyun sings and sings and Chanyeol wonders if everything is okay. He pushes his own reservations and feelings out of the way and focuses on Baekhyun. Slowly the tension drains from Baekhyun and he becomes more _himself_. The Baekhyun that Chanyeol is used to seeing.  
When they get to the beach the mask that Chanyeol has grown to recognize as Baekhyun hiding something is plastered over every feature. But he lets it go. Baekhyun asked to spend time with him, that means he trusts Chanyeol, would tell him what’s wrong.

“Why did you agree to come with me?” Baekhyun asks. They’re sitting on the cool sand, the sun not high or strong enough to warm anything.

“Because you asked,” Chanyeol answers easily. There isn’t much Baekhyun could ask that Chanyeol wouldn’t agree to.

“But… why?”

“Because you’re my best friend and we’ve both finally graduated university and we’re going to be going separate ways again.” He nudges Baekhyun’s shoulder with his and the force is enough to have Baekhyun’s arm crumble as he holds himself up. “And things… it’s been weird but… You’re moving, and I’m staying.”

Baekhyun wipes the sand off his arms and hands with a grimace.

Throughout the evening they walk in companionable silence, the scent of the salt from the ocean becoming the main thing Chanyeol keeps his focus on. The sea spray blowing his hair around; over grown and so long. He wishes he remembered to wear a hat. 

And Chanyeol acknowledges, not for the first time, that these are some of the moments he loves best. The silent moments where the company of his best friend is enough to keep himself grounded, and it doesn’t matter that they’ve been fighting, or that it’s been too long since they’ve had a moment like this, that there have been things large enough to cause a permanent rift; when he can share silence with one of the loudest people he knows, and feel comfortable and happy, it doesn’t matter.

This is how they spend their day: they go to boardwalk arcades and play senseless games, eat street corn, and laugh and laugh and laugh. Baekhyun’s mask drops and Chanyeol can see genuine joy filtering through. Chanyeol hasn’t felt so weightless, so _happy_ around Baekhyun in so long.

And then when the wind chill makes it unbearable to be out any longer Chanyeol finally breaks the illusion that they can stay forever. “Let’s head back.” 

Baekhyun looks up at him, out to sea. “Okay. Can you drive?” 

It’s a quiet drive. The sun shines directly into Chanyeol’s eyes and there’s music playing on the radio and Baekhyun falls asleep before they even get onto the highway.

The drive continues and the sun starts to set. Chanyeol’s heart swells every time he looks over and glances at Baekhyun, how small he looks in his sleep, his lips parted just so. Chanyeol fights that urge to just look at Baekhyun, to touch some part of him, to hold his hand because he looks so small and he still doesn’t know why he needed to get away. A rash Baekhyun has always been a distressed Baekhyun, so Chanyeol doesn’t know how to approach the topic.

When he can’t put it off any longer Chanyeol pulls over to pee and get a snack, also grabbing something for Baekhyun who didn’t wake up when he stopped, so Chanyeol grabs one of his favorites. When he gets back to the car Baekhyun is awake and on his phone. His eyes are swollen with sleep. Chanyeol quietly, internally, admits that it’s cute.

“I bought you a snack.”

“Thanks.” Chanyeol thinks Baekhyun is a little distant again, or maybe he’s still a little out of it from sleeping. Chanyeol keeps driving. 

As they enter the city borders the song that’s playing isn’t one Chanyeol is familiar, but Baekhyun turns up the volume and hums along. “I’ve been practicing this, actually,” he says. Chanyeol looks over briefly to see Baekhyun striking an imaginary piano with chords and Baekhyun sings along in earnest. Chanyeol wasn’t paying attention to the lyrics before but with Baekhyun singing them it’s hard to hear anything but the lyrics. Heartache and yearning. Baekhyun’s voice soars and Chanyeol can only grip the steering wheel tighter because for Chanyeol everything has a double meaning.

Baekhyun’s voice cracks and he laughs it off. Everything feels… not right. Not _wrong_ but definitely off. They’re nearly home and Baekhyun is curling in on himself again.

“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol takes the turn that leads them to Baekhyun’s home. “Why did you need to get away?” he can’t keep the question to himself anymore, and Baekhyun’s expression was turning more sour with each turn that brought them closer to home. 

“I didn’t need to, I wanted to.” They’re close, too close to have a conversation as big as Chanyeol is anticipating it being.

“You were just really quiet today. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Stop worrying yourself so much, Yeollie. I wanted to go to the beach.” He smirks up at Chanyeol, but Chanyeol knows him better than that, especially when it doesn’t quite reach his eyes and his entire body is rigid and tense.

“You hate the sand.” Chanyeol thinks of them sitting on the beach, his frown at how his arms and hands were coated in cool sand. Chanyeol turns onto the street where Baekhyun’s family home is. He glances over to see Baekhyun alternating between biting his nails and glowering. The dimming sun illuminating him in a golden light perfectly. 

“Why do you always have to pry,” the inflection doesn't sound like a question, so Chanyeol doesn’t answer. Chanyeol doesn’t think it’s prying, not when Baekhyun seems so sad.

“I just want to help.” All of this is making Chanyeol feel on edge, like he’s walking into a trap.

“But there’s nothing going on with me. You’re just too caught up in trying to figure out other people so you can ignore your own shit.”

There’s a sick drop in Chanyeol’s stomach while his thoughts spiral. Suddenly he feels very small, smaller than how Baekhyun looked asleep in the car. Chanyeol doesn’t want to argue. It wasn’t supposed to turn into another fight. 

“What do you mean, ‘ignore my own shit’?”

“I thought you’ve always been private about what’s going on inside your head, that you’d talk about it eventually. Now I’ve realized you’re just so fucking,” he always talks with his hands, and now is no different, hands waving through the space between them, “just so wrapped up in other people’s problems so you don’t have to face your own.” 

That’s unfair, Chanyeol thinks. And not necessarily true. He does talk, just not to Baekhyun, because being in love with Baekhyun isn’t a problem Chanyeol can talk to Baekhyun about.

“Why is wanting to help my friends a bad thing?”

“Do something for yourself for a fucking change,” And now Baekhyun’s voice is rising, and his eyes are swollen again, but they’re also glistening and Chanyeol really hopes he’s not going to be the reason why Baekhyun cries. “Why did you just blindly agree to go to the beach with me in the middle of the day? Why didn’t you tell me to fuck off?”

Chanyeol doesn’t understand what’s happening, why Baekhyun is yelling at him, why he’s on the verge of tears. Baekhyun keeps redirecting the conversation and Chanyeol is blindly following, barely keeping up. His chest is tight with his nerves and he doesn’t know what to say, what to do, to make this better.

“So, you didn’t want me to do this with you today?” he asks, because it seems the safest thing to ask.

“No, I did! Fuck,” Baekhyun goes to run his hand through his hair, but catches his beanie. He rips it off in frustration. “You’re missing the point,” 

“Then explain it better!” Chanyeol yells, though he doesn’t mean to. He’s just so frustrated, he feels blindsided by this argument and still has no idea what Baekhyun is trying to say.

“Stop being so selfless and do things for yourself!”

Chanyeol finally pulls up in front of Baekhyun’s home. There’s boxes packed that weren’t there before. “I still don’t get why it’s a bad thing? Aren’t we supposed to be good and selfless people?”

“You can’t spend your whole life doing things for other people, Chanyeol. You have to do things for yourself, too.” Chanyeol parks the car and turns it off. Baekhyun grabs the keys out of the ignition and swings his passenger door open. Chanyeol follows as well, slamming his own door. “Stop making everything you do dependent on other people,” Baekhyun continues, both of them have their arms crossed. A car between them, but it feels like so much more. An entire ocean. “Stop making decisions because of me,” he says, voice quiet, all of the fight gone. “That revolve around me,” he finishes.

Does Baekhyun know? Has Chanyeol really been so transparent with his affection, his desire, that Baekhyun is becoming uncomfortable by it? Chanyeol is crushed. 

“I just want you to be happy,” Chanyeol says, quiet and deep.

“I _am_ happy!” Baekhyun says desperately, throwing his hands into the air, keys jingling. “I was happy today, spending time with you, and now I’m just frustrated.”

“Why are you frustrated?” Chanyeol pleads, desperate for Baekhyun to just be honest.

“Because you poke and don’t leave things alone. You’re not the same and been acting weird and walking on eggshells around me for months. You—” 

“Because you rejected me! And then _ignored_ me!” Chanyeol cuts him off, and it comes out loud and angry when Chanyeol is only terrified. But it started and all of the words tumble out of him like waves, and Chanyeol feels like he might as well just _go for it_. “You must’ve known I’m in love with you, that I've always been in love with you.”

Baekhyun just stares at him, and Chanyeol hates himself and realizes he’s ruined everything _again_. The simple but complex reality that being in love with Baekhyun is what has undeniably ruined their friendship.

“You… I..” 

That’s all Chanyeol needs to hear though. He’s said what he said and doesn’t need to be rejected a second time. He runs his hand through his hair, windswept and tangled by the sea spray at the beach. He wants the sea to pull him away, swallow him whole.

Instead he walks away, and waits for Baekhyun to follow.

He doesn’t.

And Chanyeol doesn’t look back.

~

Instead of going back to his apartment he goes to his parents, just down the other street. He makes a surprised appearance and plasters on a false smile when he greets his father and kisses his mother’s cheek.

He washes the rice and chops vegetables alongside his mother while she prepares the rest of dinner. She asks what brings him here unexpectedly and he answers honestly, “I was with Baekhyun.” He doesn’t hide the dejected tone of his voice anymore, and his mother sighs, continues to prepare the meat with a frown on her face, wrinkles in the corners of her eyes.

“The divorce has taken its toll on everyone in that house,” she says, puts her knife down.

“Divorce?” Chanyeol asks, bewildered. “The Byun’s are getting a divorce?”

“You didn’t know?” His mother looks to him, confusion and sadness written on her face. “They’re separated. Baekhyun’s father is moving out this weekend.” And there’s sorrow in his mothers voice, and it makes sense, she’s known Baekhyun’s mother since before they got married, has been around for everything.

Chanyeol doesn’t ask why. Doesn’t want to know, is mad Baekhyun didn’t tell him. Is sad that everything, all of this, is happening.

After dinner Chanyeol decides he doesn’t feel like going back to his apartment. He lets Sehun know, and then he heads to his old bedroom. Once he’s closed the door and sprawled across the bed he sends Jongdae a text.

_did u know baek’s parents are getting divorced?_

He placed his phone down on his chest and puts his arm over his eyes. He replays everything from today in his head, everything from the last few months.

His phone vibrates and Chanyeol grabs it and looks at the message preview. It’s from Jongdae.

_no? what the fuck?_

So at least there’s the small comfort that Baekhyun didn’t tell Jongdae and purposefully neglect to tell Chanyeol. 

Chanyeol updates Jongdae as necessary, tells him the truth: he found out from his mother… maybe confronting Baekhyun isn’t a good idea right now.

He's exhausted and falls asleep easily that night. Despondent and moping. Having not heard from Baekhyun, and wondering how anything could ever be normal again.

~

In the morning Chanyeol goes to the park closest to their house. It’s cloudy, and without the sun there’s a chill in the air, bordering on just too chilly.

He remembers how often he would come here with Baekhyun and Jongdae. The stupid games they would come up with. He posts a video of the empty area while he swings on one of the swings to his instagram story and mopes. 

Despite everything he still wants to give and give, but he realizes Baekhyun is right. As observant as Chanyeol thinks he is Baekhyun is just as aware; Chanyeol has always given more to others than himself, deserves to aim for the things he wants.

He’s scrolling through his phone, stationary on a swing, when someone comes up behind him and shoves him lightly. Chanyeol spins around in the swing, the chains tangling together, to see Baekhyun standing and hovering above him.

“Oh, hey,” Chanyeol says, shocked, as nonplussed as possible. “How did you know I was even here?” 

“You posted it on your story like 15minutes ago,” Baekhyun replies, sitting in the swing next to Chanyeol.

It’s quiet, Chanyeol’s stomach is in knots and he isn’t sure what he’s supposed to do, if he’s supposed to do anything. Baekhyun is the one who came looking for him. But he has so many things he wants to say and no way of saying them, no way of knowing where to start that makes sense.

But that’s when Baekhyun interrupts his thoughts. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” is the automatic response that comes out of Chanyeol’s mouth but to that Baekhyun lets out a long, hefty sigh. 

“It actually isn’t,” Baekhyun counters. “I was a jerk, and I shouldn’t have ignored you, or hidden my parents divorce, or even put off telling you and Jongdae about breaking up with Hyeran.”

Baekhyun takes in a deep breath and holds it before letting it out in a puff of air. Chanyeol sneaks a closer glance, there’s a zit he’s clearly been picking at sitting on his cheek, but his skin looks soft and clean. His hair is hidden under a beanie and Chanyeol notices how much bigger he looks sitting on the swings they played on when they were kids.

Chanyeol is enamored, and it isn’t allowed.

“I’m sorry about your parents,” Chanyeol says quietly.

“Me too,” Baekhyun replies. “It just really fucking sucks. They met when they were teenagers, you know? And were in love and had a family and then realized it wasn’t working out. It was like… after I got out of school and went to university like… suddenly they had nothing in common anymore. They worked together to raise their kids and as they got older that was their only common interest.” 

Chanyeol sees the redness in Baekhyun’s eyes, how he tries to nonchalantly dab his eyes.

“I really… I don’t know what to say Baekhyun. I’m sorry.”

“And the thing is,” Baekhyun continues, like Chanyeol hadn’t said anything. “Is that if they could have known each other for as long as they did, and been in love, and suddenly grow bitter towards each other and end up divorced what’s the point in trying with someone I’m in love with? Who I don’t want to risk becoming bitter towards.”

Chanyeol’s brain is trying to catch up to Baekhyun’s words. He surely… he’s not talking about… “Is this about Hyeran?” he asks.

Baekhyun lets out a bark of bewildered laughter. “No, not Hyeran,” and Chanyeol can’t help but feel a little embarrassed. Who else, someone Baekhyun hasn’t even spoken of? It stings and it stings and loving Baekhyun is always going to hurt until he figures out how to manage it.

“Oh,” Chanyeol says, trying and failing to hide the dejection from his voice. From his peripheral he sees Baekhyun spin in his swing and then he grabs the chain closest to him of Chanyeol’s swing and pulls him closer, traps Chanyeol's legs with his own, and waits until Chanyeol looks at him.

“I thought to myself, for months and months,” Baekhyun starts, holding eye contact with Chanyeol, “‘What’s the point spoiling everything I have with Chanyeol, my best friend Chanyeol, and risk losing everything.’”

Wait, what? Chanyeol’s brain tries to catchup to what Baekhyun is saying, trying to understand. 

“And then after the party at Jongdae’s house I realized I already did. You wanted to kiss me and I rejected you because I was a coward.” 

“You wanted to kiss me?” Chanyeol asks, shocked and still not quite sure this is actually real.

“The whole night,” Baekhyun confesses. 

Chanyeol’s heart is thundering in his chest, like waves on the shore. Does this mean what he thinks this means? 

Baekhyun lets Chanyeol’s legs go, releases his grip in the chain, and Chanyeol sways back and forth while the realization settles.

“You know I love you, right?” Chanyeol asks.

“I do.”

“Like, _in love_ with you?”

Baekhyun takes a moment, nods and nods and nods. 

Chanyeol has a chill run up his spine, feels the hairs stand on his arms. “And you..?” he trails off, leaving Baekhyun to interpret. 

“I love you, too.” 

Oh. Chanyeol is dumbfounded. Elated and dumbfounded and disbelieving.

“Like… _in lo—_ ” 

“I’m in love with you Chanyeol. I was scared how much I began to want you and at Jongdae’s party I just… everything was happening at home that was making it feel official and I was scared and upset and bitter. And I hurt you a lot. I’m sorry.” 

Chanyeol’s chest hurts but he’s so relieved. It’s the tension seeping away and he’s going into shock.

“No, it really is okay. Oh wow… oh.. wow.” Chanyeol repeats, not really able to say much else. 

“Are you sure?” Baekhyun asks.

“Well,” Chanyeol’s brain is finally catching up. “There’s a lot we should… that we need to talk about. And figure out? Like… You were hurting too, but you… you need to say these things. Share these things. You can reply on other people. And you said you rejected me because you didn’t want to ruin out friendship and now? I feel like I’m getting different vibes?”

Baekhyun waves his hands back and forth. “No, no. Yeah, I want to be clear, too. I… we need to like, talk about it obviously… about a lot of things. And things will probably be different if we’re kissing and.. but—” 

Chanyeol grabs the chain from Baekhyun’s swing and pulls him into a hug. A bone crushing hug and that Baekhyun relaxes into, laughs.

“This is so surreal,” Chanyeol whispers in awe. “I can’t believe it…” 

Baekhyun untangles himself from Chanyeol’s grip, tugs on one of Chanyeol’s ears. “Believe it.”

And then Baekhyun’s gaze roams Chanyeol’s face before settling back on his eyes. Chanyeol waits, hesitant, maybe a little expectant.

“Can I.. can I kiss you?” Baekhyun asks, and Chanyeol smiles and feels weightless, like he’s floating, and pulls Baekhyun back in for a brief hug before holding him and kissing him.

It’s better than he remembered.

They have to talk about it, figure out the next steps; Baekhyun is moving. What’s going to change and, god, they have to tell Jongdae who will never let them hear the end of it.

But it’ll be okay. They’ll be more than okay.


End file.
